Time with Traver!

Lately, I've developed this odd habit that's similar to hibernating... I would sleep most hours of the day, no matter how much sleep I've gotten the previous day. It's rather odd, but I believe it has to do with me being so utterly bored that I have unconsciously decided to sleep the boredom away. Funny, isn't it?
Last night, Traver told me he would be back for a bit to spend time with me, so guess what good ol' excited me did? Sleep the hours away to make time pass faster so I can see my muffin, of course!
I went to his apartment at around 3:25. We watched My Neighbor Totoro, and exchanged gifts. I got him a grey sweater with grey gloves to match. I was knitting a scarf for him too, but I thought it looked funny, so I was too embarrased to give it to him x_x.

My hunny got me a gift card to Bath and Body Works and a Domo notebook! Ahh cuteness overload! :D


Traver and his friends have gone to Jacksonville to celebrate New Year's. I'm staying with my mommy for my New Year celebration! I'll be missing my hunny, but I'm happy to be spending time with my mommy before the busy semester is to come!

AHH MY DRESS FITS!

This past summer I went to china and bought this cute little black dress, but because not many places that I went to offered dressing rooms, I just had to take my chance on what I buy.

I was very disappointed when I was TOO FAT to fit in that dress!

Just now, I decided to try it on to see if it would fit and GUESS WHAT!? IT DID!

This was just too surprising for me, since I thought I was packing on the pounds during winter break!

Here's a picture!! Ta-da!



Now... what to wear this to... hmm...

Crystal

Today, I saw on my honey's facebook status the lyrics to that one Bone Thugs-n-Harmony song called Crossroads, which for some reason sounded really familiar... then I remembered why.
I posted a little sad smiley face with a tear on it as a comment to that status update, remembering the day I heard that song for the first time.
Traver calls me and asks what that song reminded me of...
I answered by telling him how I went on Joseph's myspace after Crystal's memorial, and that was the song he left on his myspace for her. It took a bit of restraining for Traver not to hear me almost cry. I then told him about the dream I had a few days ago where I saw Crystal again... I didn't go into details with him about it, but I remember Crystal was there. She had a headful of blonde hair that we all remembered. She was clearly alive. I was overwhelmed with emotion to where I started crying in that dream.

It's surprising how much it can affect a person. I bet Crystal never knew how she touched so many people's lives, how many people remember her and miss her after she left this world. I myself was surprised by how much I miss her. We weren't close like Megan and me. Sure, we were friends. We talked, shared experiences, said hi whenever we saw each other, laughed at the same things... but I was like that with many others. I didn't know I would be so affected by her death the way I am now.
It's hard for me to acknowledge the fact that she's no longer in this world. Sometimes I tell myself that maybe she's still here: she's in hiding for safety, because it's top secret government business. Haha... I watch too many movies...

Crystal was my friend. And she passed. Even now, I can't really accept that she's gone.
She can't experience what my brother and I are experiencing now... college, parties, books and magazine articles that are continuously being published for us to read, new foods to taste, new wonders in the world to see...
I sometimes wonder where she has gone after she left this world.

A Story of Lesson Learned

This is the story of a girl who ignored all who told her to live life freely.
She neglected a person she didn't realize she loved until he eventually left her.
Upon learning her mistake, she scrambled at trying to put back the pieces she broke.
The boy was unwilling to giver her another chance, and even used mean tactics to push her away.
She cried at what she lost and the way she was lied to after she poured her heart out.
Her heart was filled with pain, hatred, confusion, and sorrow.
She wasn't herself; instead she turned into a monster who neglected all she used to care about.
She tried to see other people, so see if the love she has to offer can match what they can give in return. Throughout it all, the puzzles didn't fit. It was hard for her to move on.
During this cold and terrible time, the sun shone on her and provided her with a gift in the form of a new companion.
This companion made her laugh. He taught her new ideas of life. He showed her a new way to live. Within their first day together, she was able to heal from what she was previously dying from.
Someone was finally able to fit the missing puzzle.
From this experience she was taught how to love.
All the love that the hurtful boy refused to take didn't matter anymore.
The girl's new companion shone on her like a warm light bathing her, protecting her from all the hurtful and scary parts of the world.
All her love will be given to her companion from now on.
She is finally happy :)

Baby you're the best present I could ever ask for
<3

I never say "what if" anymore. I say "What's next".

Funny how this blog started off as something so innocent, but ends up being where I pour all my feelings out when I'm most stressed or feel most inspired. I don't mind; I enjoy knowing that anyone out there can read my thoughts, yet they can't find it unless I give them permission or they somehow stumble upon this with a lucky chance.
Maybe someone out there's feeling the same way as me and doesn't feel so alone after reading this.
Or someone out there is wondering why I chose what I chose to do and wanted answers.
Or they're just nosey and wanna be a stalker.
I don't mind any of them. Because you're my audience and I love knowing that my life interests people.

BUT ANYWAY!

Back to what I've been wanting to write!
This has been on my mind for quite some time now... I don't think my last post did my thoughts any justice.

Some people probably hate me for the choice I made recently. If they don't hate me, they're probably really hurt by what I've done.
But you must understand, this person has helped me to finally let go of all guilt and negative emotions, and has brought me out into this world to live again.
I feel as if I've started all over.
I don't have leftover baggage.
I remember how guilty I felt when I disappointed you. How I never knew what I can do to make it go away. I know now, and that is to get myself out of your life like what I just did.
I'm a reminder of what could have been, what hurt, what left and tried to come back. You deserve a second chance at living too, one without me in it.
I never chose this to hurt you, to be a lying bitch, or any of that sort.
I was the same person you knew me as 6 years ago. What I said really was true.
I wasn't ready for any changes at that time. And once I was ready, you weren't the one. I can't let the past guide me because I now have different needs.
This doesn't make me a bad person. This just makes me a person who was given a second chance to live again.

Thankful

Thanksgiving day.
Thankful... for many things.
I'm thankful for such a loving family that provides me with neverending adoration and care. I'm thankful for great friends that remember me and care for me even when I'm in a completely different city. I'm thankful for where I have gone in life, and the choices I'm finally making right now, right where I'm at.

I've made silly and dumb mistakes. But hey, I'm still young. I have much to learn. Half of me is more controlled while the other half goes with the flow.

I'm also thankful for Traver, my adorable boyfriend. I've sacrificed a little to be with him, I admit, but those little bits of sacrifices somehow mean nothing to me... Although I feel they should.

I've let go of a close friend for him. This close friend probably hates me... and I remember when he was one of the most important people in my life. What made me give up? What made me stop holding on to this friend?
Traver. He finally let me put down this guilt. I realized that I held onto my friend because of major guilt. In a way, I think this is good for both of us.

I've also let go of another close friend for Traver. It saddens me a little that I can tell he doesn't seem to want to have anything to do with me anymore. If he changes his mind and wants to stay my friend, I wouldn't mind. I'd love to stay his friend throughout anything. He's a great guy with a good head on his shoulders. But, like the friend I mentioned before, he's not the one I was waiting for, and I understand the pain I may have inflicted... I never meant for it to hurt anyone.

I truly believe Traver's the person I've been waiting for, and I hope they don't hold it against me.

Co-op in Arkansas

I finally did it.
Sent in an e-mail accepting my offer and everything.

My parents really didn't want me to go... They wanted me to stay closer to them. I know, I rarely see them now as it is... but I like to think of this as a great opportunity to expand my horizons and learn more about the industry I am going into.
DOMTAR's a great company that is well known for its products. It's only a few months... I'll call them more often and everything.

There's also something I'm worried about leaving behind. My parents, I know they will always love me and always be there. I don't know if HE is willing to be there waiting for me if I leave for such a long time...
If I'm willing to wait for him while he's off at Marine school, maybe he's willing to do the same...? What if he doesn't want me to wait...?

It's getting better...

So my grades have not improved as much... but they're definitely improving, and I'm gonna try my best to pass all my classes... OR DIE TRYING.

I'm so excited! I was nervous before, because after all that interviewing, I thought I didn't get any internships or co-ops because I was lame or something, but two have called me with an interest in offering me co-ops in the same day! I was so happy!
There's one for this upcoming spring, and one for next fall. The one for this upcoming spring is in Wilson, and the one for next fall is in Arkansas. I know my parents would prefer me to be closer to them... but I really want to go to the one in Arkansas.

Where will that lead me and Traver?

...I honestly have no idea.

And at times I'm scared out of my mind.

I don't want to end up being dependent on a boy to be happy. I don't need a man in order to survive. But spending time with Traver has been amazing, and as one can tell from my previous post, I find this as the beginning of something great, and I don't want to let go. I'm scared, and don't want to think about it. He even told me to not think about when he leaves for the Marines so we can fully enjoy what time we have together.
4 months left before he leaves. I really hope he wants to stay with me even after all this. I'm still afraid I have to prepare myself for anything that's to come...

But all in all, I've been very lucky to have met Traver. He's a hardworking senior, he works two jobs, he supports himself, and he makes time for me in between all of that. He's grateful for the time I made for him throughout all of my busy events, he lets me know how much he enjoys being with me, tells me how attractive I am all the time, and makes me laugh and entertains me constantly. I hope I made him as happy as he made me, and I hope our time together will never be forgotten.

My Korean Fatass

I know, I know, updating a blog while I should be studying for two tests = bad bad bad procrastination, but hey, I can't help it; I have much to record. I wanna record everything that's happened so far after my sudden healing by my Sun... or, as I would like to jokingly call him, that Korean Fatass :P (not that he's fat; he works out constantly, so I just call him that to tease him of the vast amount of exercise he does).
He's my Sun because on the day I was most vulnerable and subject to doing things I never thought I would do, he saved me from all that I was becoming. I couldn't turn away from who I was turning into, yet after a few comfortable conversations and a grasp of my hand during the turn of a wrench, I noticed how the sun shone so bright against a once-cloudy sky.
Cat said that maybe "God sent him to me". What Christians tell me, I believe. I may not be anything in particular, but I do know how the heavens have been so good to send someone so perfect for me just in time to save me from torment of what seems like hell.

I never get tired of holding his face in my hands and gazing into those half exotic eyes. I never get bored of our ongoing conversations about random inappropriate things that somehow put me at ease.
His smile, the one that I jokingly labeled as the "Tom Cruise smile", not only brightens my day, but is something I look forward to seeing every time I'm with him.

I once told Brian that I'd love to have a guy sing Bruno Mars's song "Just the Way You Are" to me when the time is right. My Sun has already sung it to me without knowing, and whenever he "sings" it, the time is just right.

Never have I ever been so comfortable around a guy.
Please, Lord, let him stay in my life a little longer.

One of his kind

I've only ever heard of them... Never thought I would actually meet one of them.

This is the first I have ever met one of his kind, and truthfully it scares me how he managed to get into both mine and my friend's heads.
One who is silent and observant... at first you wouldn't expect much from such a normal looking man... but if you let him play his games, he gets into your head and you can't escape even if you try.
I can tell that when our eyes met, right as I was about to drive away, that he already has it in his mind that he's going to win.

My friend's fallen already. That's his one win. It may not be me who is next, but I certainly am very interested in what I can do to have this mindset incorporated into my own...

STATE FAIR

So, after failing three tests a couple of weeks ago, I decided to pick up my game and try my best to do better in my classes. OMG It's so hard... but I'm gonna do it, just watch me!
I went with Traver, Joseph, and Adrienne and her friends to the State Fair Thursday. Pretty fun... pretty unexpected too... hahaha. Surprisingly I never got to see many ASA people, even though the whole group was supposed to go together!
We ate a lot of really unhealthy food... Traver got a krispy kreme burger, I got a fried cheesecake, we both got some... pig organ things that reeked (it wasn't bad, but the smell was so bad that I threw it away).
Traver won me a little green frog. He wanted to win me something bigger, but I felt bad about using him using his money, so I just told him I don't need him to win me anything else... hahaha.
THE RIDES THIS YEAR ARE... omg they're just indescribable. They just feel more and more dangerous every year!
That kinda makes it exciting though... hahaha XD

I got a long day ahead of me tomorrow... AGAIN. Never a day of rest for Jennifer. Sigh.

The Sun is Shining!

So yeah, even though today started off a rainy day, I can't help but feel the sun is shining on me!
Yesterday, I was planning on spending my 1:00-7:00 studying, but at around 3, I saw Kaithlyn at the library, and we ended up sitting together, thinking we were going to do homework, but instead we started talking about our lives, and it ended up being 3 hours worth of talking! It really didn't feel that long!
We shared our thoughts and our feelings on different situations, and she watched me as I did what I would quote myself best: "Do, not think" several times...

By the end of the day, however... All the stress has been lifted up off of me. I finally feel lighter, and I believe it's all thanks to my talk with Kaithlyn. She understood me, she supported me, and she helped me yesterday to where I've done all I could and can finally step out of the shadow and show my face.

I honestly can't thank her enough.
Yeah, I lost some study time, but so what? I need to have a clear mind to study, and that's just what she helped me do.
I only wish I can help her as much as she has helped me.

By the way... I had this really odd dream... and it ended really weirdly... sort of like.. Korean drama-ish? Hm, I guess I'll tell Adrienne about it later haha.

Ok, back to studying for accounting! I have a test at 3!!!

I'm not perfect.

I'm a petty person.
I may act a child at times.
Sometimes I can't remember a damn thing.
I procrastinate like hell.
I overreact.
Rarely do I choose anything over my pride.
I cannot forgive easily, no matter how hard I try.

This is who I am. I'm not perfect. I shouldn't be pointed at negatively for being human. I strive to be fair, I strive to be good, and that's all that should matter.

None of us are perfect.
My weaknesses may put me in a rut at times, but I don't regret a single thing I strove to do. INCLUDING THIS POST!

What's today is past

I'm trying my hardest to smile and take the big step to move on.

I may have been a failure today,

but I won't be tomorrow.

Caresse Sur l'Ocean

Caresse sur l'océan
Porte l'oiseau si léger
Revenant des terres enneigées
Air éphémère de l'hiver
Au loin ton écho s'éloigne
Châteaux en Espagne
Vire au vent tournoie déploie tes ailes
Dans l'aube grise du levant
Trouve un chemin vers l'arc-en-ciel
Se découvrira le printemps

calme sur l'océan

My Christmas Wishlist!

For whoever loves me enough! Haha. Actually, I just wanted to make a list so I don't have to worry about it later on.

1) Brian Griffin doll

2) Rex doll from Toy Story

3) ...that's all I can think of.

Why We Must Move On

Last night, while Sophia and I were on the phone, I was discussing why I was recently in such a distraught mood. She did bring up something that I remembered clearly: "I remember reading in your livejournal about how great a boyfriend he was! How he took you on trips and how he treated you and stuff. How did he change into such a person?"
I thought about it, and today I have come to the realization as to why we must move on, even if we don't feel like we're ready to.
For those in my situation, the one you are in love with is no longer here. The person who you thought was perfect does not exist anymore. He/she has left the person you thought you were in love with. There's no reason to stay and wait for this person to change back to what they used to be.
They will remember all the memories, they will remember the feelings, but the one you love and the person you see now are two different people.
Look for the person you love in someone else.

Why We Cry

From the middle of summer til now, I've cried a lot. There were various reasons, but rarely were they happy ones. We as human beings cry to let out emotions that we otherwise have a hard time expressing. If I go through something I find tragic, I would cry instead of hitting things, simply because I'm not really a violent person. Others who are would probably end up punching or kicking something, but end up crying later on anyway.
Crying can be a good thing. It lets out a lot of bottled up emotions. We cry because we were hurt in some way, or we were moved by something.
Over this difficult time in my life, I realized many things from the events that caused my reasons for crying:

Family problems will make you feel helpless. Your world will feel like it's been shaken and turned upside down. Imagine God having you and your family in a snow globe and just violently shaking the flakes that make up your world. You can't do anything about it; you can just stay strong for your family. Be someone they can lean on in their time of need; after all, you depended on them for most of your life. It's time you give something back. Yeah, I've tried to force myself not to cry during this situation, but of course I did in the end. I did it because I love my family. I felt so lost when they were in trouble. After a night's worth of anger and sobbing, I made myself "man up" and take responsibility as the oldest kid in the family. I couldn't have done it without my brother William though; he's my rock.

As for relationship problems, we as human beings will always make stupid mistakes. It could probably be because we were trying to satisfy ourselves right at that minute, or it could be that we realize something that was in our hearts the whole time, and did not bring it out to light until it was too late. Love hurts, I'm not going to lie. It'll hurt even more when you feel mistreated, or if you feel like you mistreated someone you love. Here's where crying would calm your hearts: the emotions that run wild will feel so painful that it's like a knife stabbing you over and over again without stopping. But once you're done crying, a lot of stress would be let out; the painful stabbing feeling tends to die down, and you can find time to concentrate on other things that should be considered more important.

Life in general: I'm a college student. I know what it's like to be under such a big amount of stress that I have no one and nowhere to turn to. I have quite a few freshman friends that are already going through it right now. My solution? Hide in the small corner, cry until you feel like sleeping, go to sleep, and wake up ready to do work. Don't believe it'll work? You'd be amazed.

I spent my whole life believing that crying was an embarrasing thing. It's not,really. It's a form of de-stresser, it lets out bottled emotions, and it actually strengthens the spirit inside of you.

DBHS Homecoming

William and I headed out to Fayetteville for homecoming today! I got to see my bestest friend in the whole world, and caught up with a lot of people! Saw Mindy again, that's always fun. Wow, her sister really changed since I last saw her!
Tommy and I got to talk for awhile, and he told me a lot of things that has happened that I would never have thought would happen. I must admit, it did lead me to have a little less respect for some people, and I was also shocked by other things he told me about. William and I were only gone for what seemed like such a short period of time... so many things have changed! Raleigh was definitely the happy place that seemed like everything is going right.
I'm really glad to have been able to see Tommy. It seems like this time I got to see a side of him that I never got to see while we were in school. He just seems more relaxed and at ease, not really worrying about what others think of him.
Jeremy, as always, was level-headed and kept me from going crazy at the game, which I am quite thankful for. He's my best friend for life for a reason. Nothing can ever change that. If it weren't for him, I would have behaved like I was on drugs or something, ahh.
I was also glad to see Cody, Kenya, and everyone else. It was an awesome reunion, and I really hope to see them all again soon!

my unpredictable luck!

Who knew that a forgetful person like me can have such good luck stem from my bad memory!?

Here's how it started:
This morning, I woke up later than I should have, and was in a hurry to leave my apartment. I grabbed whatever I needed before I left; my business clothes for Asian Student Association's Appropriations meeting, my keys, my fruit snacks since I didn't have time for breakfast...

I got into my car and drove away to class only to realize that I left my phone somewhere! I remembered seeing it in my room, so it was either still at my apartment, or stuffed deep inside my book bag along with a bunch of other crap. After my Accounting lab, I walked over to the library and sat there for a few minutes to check my e-mail and look through my bag to see if I might have stuffed my phone in there only to find my planner which I have not opened in 4 days!
I decided to open it up just for the heck of it, and realized that I had signed up for an internship interview with Hercules pulp and paper company! You probably wonder, "well it'll be okay... She can apply for other interviews." WELL GUESS WHAT!? Dr. Byrd said that if I do not show up to an interview, MY NAME WILL BE TAKEN OFF ALL THE OTHER INTERVIEWS THAT I SIGNED UP FOR! A fate worse than death! Oh, the shame I could have caused upon my family name!!
All I could do was print out two copies of my PSE resume and head on to my next class.
AHHH I was in a state of shock as I was walking to my Calculus II class; I didn't even have time to stop and talk to people I normally talk to before class! I just wanted to be done with math, run to my car to get my business attire, change, then run to my interview! I checked my laptop before I left to do any last-minute research and e-mail checks, only to find that THE APPROPRIATIONS IS THIS THURSDAY, NOT TUESDAY, but boy, was I glad I made this mistake. I had business attire ready for today!

The interview wasn't my best one; I felt unprepared even though I did some research on the company and jotted down a few questions before I went. It just felt rushed. I still hope they would give me a chance though!

But anyway, the point of this post is:
I'm GLAD I forgot my phone, which led me to search through my bookbag, which led me to find my planner, which led me to remember that I had a JOB INTERVIEW.
Also, I'm GLAD that I got ASA's Appropriations date mixed up, therefore I had an extra set of business clothes ready for my interview!
This is the first time I've ever been thankful for my horrific memory!!!

Oh, ANNND I had time to do my webassigns! And all this before my ASA board meeting! WHOO GO ME!

From Metaphorical to Literal (at least by human standards)

Just a random post, since I have about 15 minutes before heading to my lab.

It wasn't exactly easy switching from business to engineering. Although my business major required math and statistical analyzing, it was still the biggest change I've made since I started college.
I was originally this musical student who had an interest in writing and art; I was the artistic one of the family, having taken music and art classes since I was three and a half (not that I was good at it; I was just surrounded by it). Once I got to high school, business became a part of my life once I joined the Academy of Finance. It wasn't that big of a switch; the marketing part of business demanded creativity and innovation. I utilized and preserved my artistic mindset through advertisement and the art of public speaking.

Once I switched over to Paper Science and Engineering, everything was like a new language for me. I slowly had to relearn a whole new way of thinking. I had to be analytical of every single project given to me. From working with my classmates, even the words from our homework that gave us directions were looked at from all areas to ensure the right way to answer the questions. Nothing was metaphorical; I don't break down paragraphs I know by trying to figure out the writer's message to me. Everything was right there; I just had to understand it and follow it exactly as it was set. The only thing I can't help is my horrific memory, which is an extreme setback to my possible career as an engineer.

I once believed that nothing was literal; everything had its own meaning and can be solved as long as it makes sense to you.
In engineering, it has to make sense to EVERYONE for it to be accepted.

It's not impossible for me to think this way. Guess I just need to work on it :\

This is something I must perfect. People tell me all the time to stop comparing myself to others, but how can I not when so many people are better than me at my major? This isn't high school, where everyone can be lazy and still past; this is my preparation for the rest of my life. I may not need to be one of the best to get somewhere, but I need to be one of the best to prove myself to be competitive in order to be one of the firsts considered for a top position. Ah, lord help me with this goal.

Internship Interview and more

I just came back from my very first internship interview! It's with International Paper!! I should find out in two weeks if I get it... ahhh so nervous...
I guess it wasn't the best idea to let my interviewer know I was a little nervous, but I eventually got more comfortable with him, and guess what! He was a band parent! How awesome was that!?? We connected on marching band level! :)

Well, Alex leaves for New Orleans today. Not quite sure what to say about that. Despite what people think, Albert was never my first love. He did too many things that were wrong for me to ever have loved him. It was more just my friendship and care that pulled that relationship out for so long.
Neither was Alex. He was good to me for a certain period of time. I never realized to what extent the efforts he put in until it was too late. I do not agree with some of the things he did, though. We have different ideas on what was right and what was wrong, and because of that, our roads took us somewhere completely different from each other.
[11/14/2011]
With each relationship, one shouldn't feel like one wasted time; instead, one always gains something with each relationship. If it's good, it leads to love and marriage. If bad, it still leads one to know more about themselves.
It's time I break away and try something new.

Bad Luck Continues

So yeah. In my last posts, I told about how I would try to change my luck around. Well, it seems to be unpreventable to the point where others might start to find it humorous, so every time I'm caught in bad luck, I will post it on here.

Today's bad luck:

After the gym, I come back to my car to find a ticket on my car for not parking in the right place EVEN THOUGH THE SIGN SAYS I ONLY NEED A PARKING STICKER FROM 9-12PM.

God only knows

"You're stupid."
"I don't care. You would do the same if you love someone."

Well now. This is what happens when you don't listen to your best friends.

I can't believe I waited three weeks just to hear this.

I had such high hopes for what was to come; maybe late night movies! Or maybe going to the mountains with Megan and Tray! Maybe he can go with me to my Paper Science events too!

Stupid idiot.

Foolish is the one who lets the heart do the thinking.

For whoever reads this (I doubt anyone does except THAT ONE PERSON), I don't think anyone would understand just how painful it was for me tonight. I tried to force myself to stop crying. "You have class tomorrow!" I told myself. "Your paper science excel sheet isn't even done! Think of what's important!"
I couldn't seem to steer in that direction because I was thinking about how much I have shamed myself by letting all my pride go away.

I'm going to gain it all back.
Starting this week.
No one can take my luck away from me.
This is the last time I will let bad luck strike my way.


"離開你 我安靜的抽離 不忍揭曉的劇情
我的淚流在心裡 學會放棄"

Can't take ME DOWNNNNN

Back in high school, I would cry once every semester from the stress. My mind and body would not be able to handle it and I would break down and let it all out. This year, it seems as if life is trying to make a fool out of me by throwing all these unfortunate events my way, as if seeing how much I can take.

I ain't gonna cry today. You can't make a fool out of me. It takes much more to take me down.

4th day(?)

Guess I'm going to blog a little more now... I can't seem to concentrate on my work, even though I should; math test coming up, a lab report I have yet to finish writing, my speech for ASA elections...
I feel like I can't really grasp on to this life I'm living in. Everything is beyond my control. The people I depended on are all so far from me. Bad luck seems to just keep swimming my way, as if saying "You've had 20 years of good luck; it's about time we come around."
College life is always busy. But with all that I'm going through at the moment I'm not sure I can handle being myself anymore. I see myself drifting from someone friendly, always smiling and helpful, to someone who's constantly in a bad mood, smiles only when she has to, and not trying to get to know anyone anymore. Maybe it cuts a load off of what I usually have to do. I don't have to try to get to know anyone, I don't have to use up my time helping others, and I don't have to pretend to be happy. Unconsciously trying to make more time for myself, maybe?


I just want my life back.


The person who yearns for good grades, always going somewhere to have fun with friends, and always laughing at something random that pops into her head seems to be dying away each day.

I just want some rest, keep the bad thoughts out of my head, and learn to trust and be happy again. If the world can stop spinning so fast for just one minute...

China So Far

Today was my first time since I left China at age 6 that I rode a motorcycle back to my apartment. When my parents and aunties heard, they were shocked and told me not to because it's dangerous; I could easily fall off, be more likely to be in a traffic accident (it's China after all), or even be kidnapped (-__-). It is, however, half the price of taking a taxi (I didn't take one because I couldn't find one >_<), and I just felt so free zooming through the streets! I don't see how it's so dangerous since my mom used to take it all the time. She's fully against it now (O_O?)... sigh I guess I'll give up taking motorcycles instead of taxis... for now. hehehe...

Well, so far, I've been to the expo, and here's what happened:
1. tourists kept complaining about our tour guide, yelling at her and making me feel really bad for her
2. My parents and Allison's parents got into a heated argument with a military soldier, causing an uproar in the crowd (SCARY!)
3. My brother told me this old man from Nigeria was checking me out. Grooosssss

Kareoke bars have been updated!! NEW SONGS TO SING!!! I was so happy! I sang Train's Hey Soul Sister, a lot of Lady Gaga, Justin Bieber, Alicia Keys, etc etc omg FUNNN!!!

But nowadays, apart from shopping and working out, I've done nothing but watch my soaps. So many awesome soaps! My favorite currently is "Hi My Sweetheart". It's so adorable!!! AHHH! I wanna find me a mushroom head! Well... maybe not, but if I find someone as nice as him, definitely! heehee ^_^

That's all for now!

Randomness

So, here I am, posting again.
I'm procrastinating, yet again, because I'm stuck on this question for my online economics lab, and I have no idea how to answer it... Perhaps the answer will come to me? Nah... Gotta do some thorough searching... But I'm not up to it right now! I feel like blogging!

Today was my Chinese test. I did alright on the speech part. It was the recording and lab part was the only part I had problems with, not because of me, but because my partner was sick that day and couldn't come. I was put in a group of two other guys. It's hard when you're in a group where one is cooperative and the other one isn't. We did end up finishing it, although I must say, I will no longer feel sympathy for my other partner when he isn't able to do well in Chinese class. I don't know if he knew he came off as rude, but my other partner and I were quite annoyed most of the time while trying to get along with his ideas. For the sake of my test grade, I held my honest thoughts inside.

I guess it's back to work. I must keep telling myself, only one more week until I'm out of school and back to China! I must do my best!!!

Note of Annoyance

I keep seeing this happening more often.

This is growing into an epidemic. It's becoming a COMPETITION of WHO'S GOT IT WORSE than friends helping each other. It's more of "You think you got it bad? Listen to what I have to say and let's see you complain!" instead of "Aw, bro, I'm sorry, I'm here for you. Maybe I can give some advice?"

When a friend is going through a bad time, shouldn't you be there to help them? Listen to them, give them some advice, give them a shoulder to cry on, you know the deal. Instead, what do I see happening more often? here's how it goes:
"You think you got it bad? Well listen to MYYY LIFE it's SOO MUCH WORSE"

First of all, for those who are constantly acting this way, NO ONE ASKED ABOUT YOUR LIFE. They're going through a bad time, they want comfort, not someone else trying to one-up their situation. They don't CARE about how BAD A TIME you had that OVERSHADOWS THEIRS. It's not about OVERSHADOWING. It's about BEING A FRIEND AND HELPING.

Second of all, what kind of a friend does that? This shows signs of uncaring, selfish thoughts of how you don't care much about your friends, and only want to tell them that you have it worse and that you don't want to listen to their problems.

This is totally my opinion, but I really do believe I'm right in this situation. If your experiences don't help someone that's in a rut at the moment, what's the point of telling them? Yes, we get it, you've got it bad, but that wasn't what your friend needs. Your friend needs sympathy and hugs.

Random Relaxing Day

Today was pretty relaxing. It started off with my alarm waking me up at 11. I rolled around for an hour, I believe, then got up, brushed my teeth, and got straight to lunch XD. Spent my morning/noon eating leftover Miyabi's watching "Taking The Stage" (had them recorded while I was off at college). Before I knew it, it was time for me to go get a checkup with my orthodontist. Ahhh it was pouring once I got there! I ran in, and to my delight, my orthodontist told me it was my last checkup. The bad new is that I have to wear my retainers until I'm 25!!! AHH!
I went to Alex's house afterwards. He came out with an umbrella. How sweet <3. We spent our time wrestling each other and tickling each other. Haha fun time. William needed a ride home from school after his band practice, so I left to go pick him up.
At my house, after my dinner of more Miyabi's leftovers, my aloe drink, and pizza, I got ready to play my video games by showering and turning on the computer for a last minute check on facebook and all.
I decided to turn on my ipod, and listened to Forever by Drake.
It brings me back to my senior year of high school. I was confident, arrogant, and met anything that threatened my achievements with hostility. I had such a drive back then. I had hunger in my eyes even throughout my most stressful competitions and courses.
Now, the arrogance has become a type of calm humility. College really turns a person around. The people I met are so down-to-earth. They don't look at me with a transparent smile that they believed would cover their thirst to take me down. There wasn't a soul that I met with selfish thoughts of trying to upstage me, one-up me, whatever you call it. Maybe it's the people I chose to hang out with who are so calm and down-to-earth. They really changed me.
It's so different. So much of that stress melted away.
I look at my brother now. He has that same hunger and drive as I did. It's in different situations, but he's going through it all the same. He faces every challenge that gets in the way of his successes. He's so tough, threatening all that even try to talk down to him.
He does listen to me when I tell him college is different. "Haters" are rare, everyone are more mature. It's a completely different world. But would a loosening grip of that drive be a good thing for him?

Sometimes I wonder if I should have kept that drive. I may be in college, but I still have a lot of competition ahead of me. Life is one big competition, even if you don't want to believe it. There will be classmates who want a higher GPA than you. After college, there will be someone else in that chair interviewing for that same job as you.

I don't know if I can even get that drive back.

William's Birthday

Today's William's Birthday! AHHH he's finally 18! I still have this image of him when he was 14, before he got all stretched into this tall lanky piece of hideousness. HAHA Just kidding. Hard to imagine he's so old now, with his Bieber cut and his pierced ears and his always-bored expression.
I woke up at around 2, I think... not sure, because my parents woke me up. We started the day with me in my red teddy bear nightgown, walking around half-asleep, looking for my birthday present to William. My mom told me it was in the kitchen. I went and grabbed the target bag, quickly pulled off the price on the price tag, and went to William's room to present William his present: a purple tee with Stewie's face on it. He seemed to really like it, since he wore it to Miyabi's later on.
I felt bad for him when the blue Cartman shirt that I got him was ruined when my mom accidentally added bleach to it. It was one of his all-time favorite shirts, so I've decided to get him more graphic tees from now on.

Miyabi's was good@ I've almost forgotten how good their chicken was! I'm sure gonna have a blast with my midnight snack! Maybe I should stop with midnight snacks though.... I'm getting chunkier as we speak. I don't care since I'm on summer break, but once I get back to school this Saturday, I'm gonna have to go back on my diet! Ahh!

I arranged for someone to come sing a song for William at Miyabi's. There was singing, drumming, forcing William to dance, a little piece of packaged cake, a plant with a candle on top for William to make his wish, and a picture taken too! It costed $5.50 extra, but it was worth it if it made William happy.

Well, off to gaming in Kingdom Hearts I go! I hope I don't get motion sickness from playing it like I did last time...

Photoshoot Day with Megan

Today Megan picked me up for a fun photoshoot day at her house! We took many many pictures in different outfits for fun! For one of the outfits, I helped her with this dress, which was a really cute grey mini that has a high collar and an opening at the center. She was worried that it would look too skimpy, but I put a nice belt on her and did her hair and OMFG she could become a top model right there!

Hair: me
styling: Megan and me
pose: me
photographer: me

Yep I sure helped out very well! She looks AMAZING!!

And okay, okay, I should add one of me too... here we go:







This was our fierce lion/tiger impersonation. Rawr!

Watched a bit of Death Note while she uploaded the pics. But the DVD was probably a little scratched because it skipped near the middle... grr...

Overall, GOOD DAY!

I love you Megan!!! <3

Friendful Day!

So much that I have done today! There were some rocky parts to it but overall, it was eventful!
-Alex came to my house to watch One on One while I got ready to head out
-We went to Target to buy William's birthday present
-We also went to Best Buy. Saw Alan there. Alan needs to stop skipping school and concentrate on his education!
-Went to Hibachi Grill with Alex, Jenny, Tia, Felix, Mariah, Jeremy, Sandra, and Victoria. I ATE THREE PLATES OF FOOD!
-went to Walmart and Books a Million with Tia, Jenny, and Alex. Saw Carly there!
- Went to a car wash.
-Then decided to meet up with Megan at Books a Million again!
-Went bowling with Jourdan, Tia, Jenny, Jeremy, Megan, and Alex.

Such an eventful dayyyy!!!

Ahh I'm gonna miss Mariah so much! She's moving to Florida tomorrow! She will only visit maybe once every five months and I'll probably be in Raleigh!! Aww, one of my favoritest buddies since sophomore year of high school is leaving me!! Wahhh!!


Here we were, Mariah, Jeremy, and I, back in 2007 at the Dogwood Festival. I'll upload a more recent pic... SOON!

Without my Mariah, who will I share my love of things that are just a tad spooky, things that are just a little out of the ordinary, our love of makeup, or simple chats about many things of life that may or may not matter??
I WILL MISS YOU SO MUCH GURLIE!

Tomorrow should be a good day... Girl's hangout/relaxation day with Megan! I can't wait!

First Post

I loved my livejournal... I still do. I will continue to update that, but... I want an area where I can have some music to it, ya know? Xanga doesn't seem to be able to do that anymore either... Yep, I still update my xanga from time to time too... haha...

I have too much stuff... xanga, livejournal, myspace, facebook, now THIS. But maybe this will end up like my little livejournal, which I have kept since the age of 12. We'll see.

Sooo... First few days of summer... I'm LOVIN' IT. I've spent the time catching up on my video games, my shows, my friends of Fay... and not a single thing with schoolwork. AWESOME.

Sadly, I have to go back to school next Saturday for summer session. Grr. My summer's gonna be put on hold for about a month. My shopping will be put on hold too, because I just feel TOO GUILTY shopping when I have to pay almost $2000 for ONE FREAKIN' MONTH OF SUMMER SCHOOL. Gotta keep telling myself that I gotta get straight A's during this summer... as embarrasing as it is to say, that's how I pay my father back for his investment in my education. He puts so much money in only so I can succeed. That's the least I can do, since I don't have a job yet... Next summer, hopefully my internship will pay for part of my schooling!

But yeah... After summer session, it's OFF TO CHINA BABY! HELLZ YEAHH!!

much <3,
宇和