I never say "what if" anymore. I say "What's next".

Funny how this blog started off as something so innocent, but ends up being where I pour all my feelings out when I'm most stressed or feel most inspired. I don't mind; I enjoy knowing that anyone out there can read my thoughts, yet they can't find it unless I give them permission or they somehow stumble upon this with a lucky chance.
Maybe someone out there's feeling the same way as me and doesn't feel so alone after reading this.
Or someone out there is wondering why I chose what I chose to do and wanted answers.
Or they're just nosey and wanna be a stalker.
I don't mind any of them. Because you're my audience and I love knowing that my life interests people.

BUT ANYWAY!

Back to what I've been wanting to write!
This has been on my mind for quite some time now... I don't think my last post did my thoughts any justice.

Some people probably hate me for the choice I made recently. If they don't hate me, they're probably really hurt by what I've done.
But you must understand, this person has helped me to finally let go of all guilt and negative emotions, and has brought me out into this world to live again.
I feel as if I've started all over.
I don't have leftover baggage.
I remember how guilty I felt when I disappointed you. How I never knew what I can do to make it go away. I know now, and that is to get myself out of your life like what I just did.
I'm a reminder of what could have been, what hurt, what left and tried to come back. You deserve a second chance at living too, one without me in it.
I never chose this to hurt you, to be a lying bitch, or any of that sort.
I was the same person you knew me as 6 years ago. What I said really was true.
I wasn't ready for any changes at that time. And once I was ready, you weren't the one. I can't let the past guide me because I now have different needs.
This doesn't make me a bad person. This just makes me a person who was given a second chance to live again.

Thankful

Thanksgiving day.
Thankful... for many things.
I'm thankful for such a loving family that provides me with neverending adoration and care. I'm thankful for great friends that remember me and care for me even when I'm in a completely different city. I'm thankful for where I have gone in life, and the choices I'm finally making right now, right where I'm at.

I've made silly and dumb mistakes. But hey, I'm still young. I have much to learn. Half of me is more controlled while the other half goes with the flow.

I'm also thankful for Traver, my adorable boyfriend. I've sacrificed a little to be with him, I admit, but those little bits of sacrifices somehow mean nothing to me... Although I feel they should.

I've let go of a close friend for him. This close friend probably hates me... and I remember when he was one of the most important people in my life. What made me give up? What made me stop holding on to this friend?
Traver. He finally let me put down this guilt. I realized that I held onto my friend because of major guilt. In a way, I think this is good for both of us.

I've also let go of another close friend for Traver. It saddens me a little that I can tell he doesn't seem to want to have anything to do with me anymore. If he changes his mind and wants to stay my friend, I wouldn't mind. I'd love to stay his friend throughout anything. He's a great guy with a good head on his shoulders. But, like the friend I mentioned before, he's not the one I was waiting for, and I understand the pain I may have inflicted... I never meant for it to hurt anyone.

I truly believe Traver's the person I've been waiting for, and I hope they don't hold it against me.

Co-op in Arkansas

I finally did it.
Sent in an e-mail accepting my offer and everything.

My parents really didn't want me to go... They wanted me to stay closer to them. I know, I rarely see them now as it is... but I like to think of this as a great opportunity to expand my horizons and learn more about the industry I am going into.
DOMTAR's a great company that is well known for its products. It's only a few months... I'll call them more often and everything.

There's also something I'm worried about leaving behind. My parents, I know they will always love me and always be there. I don't know if HE is willing to be there waiting for me if I leave for such a long time...
If I'm willing to wait for him while he's off at Marine school, maybe he's willing to do the same...? What if he doesn't want me to wait...?

It's getting better...

So my grades have not improved as much... but they're definitely improving, and I'm gonna try my best to pass all my classes... OR DIE TRYING.

I'm so excited! I was nervous before, because after all that interviewing, I thought I didn't get any internships or co-ops because I was lame or something, but two have called me with an interest in offering me co-ops in the same day! I was so happy!
There's one for this upcoming spring, and one for next fall. The one for this upcoming spring is in Wilson, and the one for next fall is in Arkansas. I know my parents would prefer me to be closer to them... but I really want to go to the one in Arkansas.

Where will that lead me and Traver?

...I honestly have no idea.

And at times I'm scared out of my mind.

I don't want to end up being dependent on a boy to be happy. I don't need a man in order to survive. But spending time with Traver has been amazing, and as one can tell from my previous post, I find this as the beginning of something great, and I don't want to let go. I'm scared, and don't want to think about it. He even told me to not think about when he leaves for the Marines so we can fully enjoy what time we have together.
4 months left before he leaves. I really hope he wants to stay with me even after all this. I'm still afraid I have to prepare myself for anything that's to come...

But all in all, I've been very lucky to have met Traver. He's a hardworking senior, he works two jobs, he supports himself, and he makes time for me in between all of that. He's grateful for the time I made for him throughout all of my busy events, he lets me know how much he enjoys being with me, tells me how attractive I am all the time, and makes me laugh and entertains me constantly. I hope I made him as happy as he made me, and I hope our time together will never be forgotten.

My Korean Fatass

I know, I know, updating a blog while I should be studying for two tests = bad bad bad procrastination, but hey, I can't help it; I have much to record. I wanna record everything that's happened so far after my sudden healing by my Sun... or, as I would like to jokingly call him, that Korean Fatass :P (not that he's fat; he works out constantly, so I just call him that to tease him of the vast amount of exercise he does).
He's my Sun because on the day I was most vulnerable and subject to doing things I never thought I would do, he saved me from all that I was becoming. I couldn't turn away from who I was turning into, yet after a few comfortable conversations and a grasp of my hand during the turn of a wrench, I noticed how the sun shone so bright against a once-cloudy sky.
Cat said that maybe "God sent him to me". What Christians tell me, I believe. I may not be anything in particular, but I do know how the heavens have been so good to send someone so perfect for me just in time to save me from torment of what seems like hell.

I never get tired of holding his face in my hands and gazing into those half exotic eyes. I never get bored of our ongoing conversations about random inappropriate things that somehow put me at ease.
His smile, the one that I jokingly labeled as the "Tom Cruise smile", not only brightens my day, but is something I look forward to seeing every time I'm with him.

I once told Brian that I'd love to have a guy sing Bruno Mars's song "Just the Way You Are" to me when the time is right. My Sun has already sung it to me without knowing, and whenever he "sings" it, the time is just right.

Never have I ever been so comfortable around a guy.
Please, Lord, let him stay in my life a little longer.